a leftover in five polyglottal paglalambing
I.
Paano, saan nga ba magsisimula? Hindi ko mapaliwanag. Basta alam ko: ang swabe ng pasok. Basta alam ko: ang dulas ng pakiramdam. Basta alam ko: pagtama ng mga mata namin, kasado na.
Sa mismong sandaling iyon, nakarinig ako ng kulog sa di kalayuan. Pagtingin ko sa kalangitan, wala namang ulap, walang paparating na ulan. Saka ko lang napagtanto: ang dagundong na iyon ay galing sa tibok ng sarili kong puso, sa kimbot ng aking pulso, sa pag-ugong ng aking mga buto.
Kasabay ng unang hampas ng tambol, ng bawat kalansing at kumpas na sumunod, at sa nagsunurang paghiyaw at pagsayaw, muli kong naramdaman na buhay ako.
Buhay ulit ako.
II.
Tropical flavors and aromas. Histories and cultures sauteed and blended together. The taste of every "I cannot" and "I will never" that I've uttered, dissolving in my mouth. Like the serendipitous combination of bananas and garlic, how sweet it was, with just that perfect hint of zing.
It was a constant state of simultaneous discovery and recognition. How was that even possible? Kilala ko ang lasa na ito. Natatandaan kita. Magkakilala tayo. Navigating between the foreign and familiar became easy and natural as an embrace. There was no versus. Only this feeling of being reunited with old friends/family/community from another time and place, a reunion with a part of yourself you've discarded because you were made to believe it was useless. Pointless. But oh.
Lambing. Pagkalinga. Pagmamahal. Mix the ingredients, season well, cook, and serve. The delicious result: Affection one need not beg or haggle for. Affection that is given freely and does not cloy. Pag-ibig that shows you that you will not be harmed: ligtas at malaya ka sa piling ko. Lambing that is not afraid to make itself known--Halika, magluluto kami para sa iyo. Halika,pagsisilbihan ka namin--tells you again and again you are loved.
Pagkalinga na tuluyang wawasak sa takot magpahiwatig ng nararamdaman, sa takot magsayaw, kumanta, lumikha, maglaro, at magmahal. Pag-ibig na uudyok sa iyo na maging totoo sa sarili at sa sarili mong panlasa. Pag-ibig na sasamahan ka sa pagnamnam ng kasaysayan at alaala.
Pinagsanib na sarap at sustansya.
Busog ang tiyan, tenga, mata,
puso, isipan, at pasensya.
III.
Words that have no direct translation but pair well together:
Cafuné (Portuguese) + Kilig (Filipino).
How, again, to explain this wild jumble of untranslatable feelings? Being blown away the first time you see/hear a bunch of strangers perform, not because they were playing something new, but because it was the exact same thing you loved to play in your own sets, the same cadence as the beat you always hear in your head. It's getting to share the stage and everything just flows organic and it's like you've been jamming and art-making with these boys for years, when it's only been a day.
The smell of rich black coffee brewing and hot pandesal waiting for you when you wake up. It's walking along asphalt streets at high noon, bursting randomly into song, shirts off. It's strong beer and chilled white wine at dusk, discovering yet again that you have the same playlists, laugh loud and long at the same jokes, share similar life stories despite different settings and timelines.
It's sitting by the Oblation, watching the sun set and the moon's thumbnail rise. It's getting lost inside a high-end casino, smoking up in the bathroom, having a surreal dinner with relatives, and doing a song-and-dance number at a bayside bar. Produçao: making things happen, then letting things happen. This sense of awe that constantly washes over you, in their presence, then goes on to become embodied joy. It's the present moment--agora--running its fingers lovingly through your hair, and you have no choice but to give in--you want to give in--and you cannot help but swoon. And swoon. And swoon.
IV.
And after everything: saudade. That Portuguese word, bittersweet and poignant, untranslatable only if you have not felt it yourself. The closest equivalent: pangungulila = from the root word "ulila", orphan, and this feeling also surpasses greatly the English word "to miss". It is a deep longing, an intense ache similar to that of one who has just lost her family, her home.
In the aftermath, it's all of the above, and also not. Hindi man mapigilang umiyak, hindi rin mapipigilan ang pag-ngiti at pagtawa. Half the world away, the lesson stays behind, and I am grateful. I am changed. Que coisa linda, que coisa louca. We have enough leftover love from this adventure to carry with us the rest of our days, to keep us well-fed and sated until we meet again. Hanggang tayo ay magkadaupang palad muli. Hindi dapat malungkot dahil alam nating darating ulit ang araw na iyon. The seeds have been planted. Now we nurture it and wait for it to grow. Then we harvest. It can only get better from here on out.
V.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the forests of Bahia, some poor frog is still trying to jump, to no avail.
In Malate, a street vendor explains to a customer again and again that he only sells flowers.
At the Berlin Tegel Airport, four awesome boys are about to arrive, brimming with crazy and wonderful stories.
Inside a dark-lit bedroom in QC, a girl has begun to dream in Portuguese.
####
Franchesca Casauay
Quezon City, Metro Manila
16 February 2016
1:40 AM
the drum inside
Navigating between the foreign and familiar became easy and natural as an embrace. There was no versus. Only this feeling of being reunited with old friends / family / community from another time and place, a reunion with a part of yourself you've discarded because you were made to believe it was useless. Pointless. But oh.
________________________________________
Footnote:
Pictures, 01. by Camila Chaves, 'Pepe Dayaw's Spice Routes', Entretempo Gallery, Berlin, Spring 2016; 02. by Jefferson Sofarelli, Dan Timm performing with Passiflora Live and Nowhere Kitchen, Sascha Waltz and Guests Open Studios, Radial System, Berlin, December 2015; 03-04. Dan Timm with his family, Brasil January 2017; 05. by Andi Weiland, Nowhere Kitchen at Volksbühne for the Tacit Futures Event, Berliner Gazette Redaktion, October 2016; 06. by Asli Hatipoglu, Dan Timm wearing a cloth dyed with natural ingredients by Asli, Berlin 2016
Asli, Pepe and Dan all met in Berlin, in the kitchen of Agora Collective, a co-working space that has been welcoming various creative works to incubate and collaborate in its premises since 2011. It's door were open enough to grow projects that create through improvisation, such as Nowhere Kitchen and Passiflora Live, where Dan, Pepe and Asli cook and perform together.
GLOSSARY
Produçao: making things happen, then letting things happen.
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